Soulmates Never Die | Entry 3
Dear you,
This is my third entry in this diary and while everything is still messy, still chaotic and a way out still feels out of reach, I may have just one person to hold on to.
The day Brooky passed away, I felt like an organ had been ripped out of me. I was broken and it felt like a part of me had died with him. I kept telling myself that he was so full of life that he wouldn’t want me to feel this way. But I guess the nervous system can overpower the mind, and my nervous system was in shambles.
I needed to reach out to someone who knew me deeply and knew my love for Brooklyn. I knew I needed someone who could bring me some comfort despite everything. For me, that person was Bear.
Bear and I met almost seven years ago. Very quickly, I had an inner knowing that I would marry him and have his children. Seven years later, as you can guess, nothing happened the way I thought it would.
Bear loves feeling connected, but he struggles with intensity. He has what one would call an avoidant attachment style and our connection has always been intense. Not violent. Not chaotic. Just intense. I just knew I knew him from before, as in before I was even born. I knew that the way I felt for him was exactly how I should feel when I meet the one.
He is the first man I ever fell in love with.
The first love of my life was Brooky, my dog, of course not in a romantic way, and Bear was the first man. And that is despite the fact that I had been in three long-term relationships before him.
I knew I would meet Bear even before I actually met him. One day, I had a strong intuition that I was going to meet the one. Then one day, I felt I had to do one very specific thing and the feeling just wouldn’t leave me alone. A couple of weeks later, I heard his name in my head and I remember thinking that I liked that name so much that if I ever had a son one day, I would call him that.
Well, the specific thing I felt drawn to do led me to Bear. And I was intensely attracted to him without even knowing his name.
Bear is the one I would have done anything for, well anything within the limits of what is moral and legal, and the one who, despite everything that has happened over the past seven years, even despite me meeting Viktor, still feels like a soulmate to me.
And of course, soulmate does not necessarily mean husband or partner. It can simply mean family. So Bear and I have been in touch again. He lives about seven hours away from me, in another country. I haven’t seen him in four years and I don’t know when I will see him again. Not because the desire isn’t there but because of his own shadow, the one he still needs to free himself from.
But Bear and I have been in touch again and it makes me feel less alone. And really, that is all I have ever needed.
I don’t need a crowd. I don’t need a huge circle of friends. I just need that one person I feel deeply connected to, who hears me and sees me.
But yes, how I would love for him to hold me in his arms right now while the world and my world are crumbling down.
I thought I had no one to hold on to. And yet, despite us not having spoken for months, despite the fact that we had argued the last time we spoke, he replied within two minutes when I reached out. And he has shown up in his own way ever since.
Maybe this year we can start again with a clean slate and build something deep and sustainable.
What about you?
Have you ever met that one person who, despite disagreements and disappointments, still feels like home to you?
With Love,
Veronika